CAMBRIDGE TURKEYS

turkey

My town was settled in 1630. Seven hundred European puritans’ (aka Jesus Freaks) arrived in 11 ships. They settled along the Charles River and paid the Algonquin tribe 23 pounds for the land. Soon after the Algonquin  dispersed or just disappeared.

Last year a new tribe invaded Cambridge, made their home here and paid nothing to no one. They just squatted, defecate on the sidewalks and displayed a disrespect to us locals in every way. I can’t tell you much about their sex lives but unlike the Europeans who first arrived here, there was not a Puritan among this new group. They copulate like rabbits.

Their attitude reeked of arrogance: Not exactly violent, just hostile. They are offensive to commuters rushing home at night or into work in the morning. These are harried hard working people anxious to reach their destinations. These damn Turkeys would gobble and defecate. They didn’t care less about drivers. The major commuter artery Route Two is always congested but when the pack of birds decided to amble across the highway, the motorists should have accepted the challenge. Gun the engine, floor the gas pedal and- flattened them like the bug splat they were. But no, no, no… We were obsequiously devoted to animal rights.

Why did the turkey cross the road? And then think better of it? Traffic would pile up for miles while these morons ambled across, double back and then crossed again. They weaved around traffic as though they were drunk. Nobody could fathom their mini minds, but yesterday I saw a demonstration of their contemptible attitude:  An impatient driver in a pickup truck  honked. It gave the driver satisfaction but did Tom Turkey move? He did not! What the driver did get was a cocked head look that said- “What’s your problem Bucko? I’d give you the finger if I had one”.

In wiser communities than ours, the bird problem is self correcting. Neighboring towns have thousands of scrappy, yappy dogs that chase and eat these stupid birds. We too once had dogs that stood their ground. Now with the doggy leash law, little Muffy the Poodle isn’t allowed to give chase. Besides, she says her commitment to animal rights prevents her from causing mental trauma or taking aggressive action. In reality, Muffy does not wishes to soil her newly coiffed and groomed coat. “Why should I come in contact with these dirty new arrivals. Let’s all just remain uninvolved. Whatever”.

Meanwhile Fat Tom continued to eat, crap and reproduce unperturbed by us original settlers. We say these fowl invaders are dumb as a bricks, but I did notice they’re not always dumb. In the days leading up to Thanksgiving they seemed to be nowhere in sight. It’s a pity since each bird could be a culinary delight to the homeless kitchen during the holidays.

Neither the delicious Canadian geese nor Tom Turkey will do anything to feed our needy because Cambridge is nothing if not tolerant of all forms of diversity, particularly feathered wildlife. Our college town prizes intellect above all else, so it is ironic that turkeys are probably the dumbest members of the Species.  These birds are taking their cue from the filthy Canadian geese who bathe our parks and golf courses in feces. They are unwanted, unwelcome but tolerated.

The elite Turkeys of Harvard Square came to our town because they found life in the country and suburbs humdrum and déclassé. They wished to sample the high life  pleasures of urbanity. They look down their beaks at their bumpkin turkey cousins who keep to the bucolic rustic life and are content with a low rpm, dim-witted existence.

What does this portend for us earlier settlers? The influx began perhaps a couple of years ago and the population has doubled and doubled again. Soon our dumpsters and back yards will be teaming with these proliferating birds. Next they will be wishing us to leave. They think it only fair after what we did to the Algonquin.

Categories: Humor

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