WHEN DID INAPPROPRIATE SEX BEGIN?

Young or old, we all think about sex. Nubile women in skimpy wardrobes have long been an attraction for men.

However,  it is the problems that come with this “attraction mindset” that interests me. Male/female attraction is not simply a pulling together like two magnets. There are strong forces both pushing and pulling boys and girls.

Teenage boys are uncomfortable and bumbling with embarrassment on their first dates. I remember worrying all week about asking her for a date. When Friday came she said no. She didn’t want to appear an afterthought. Looking like a tongue-tied jerk on the phone always held me back.

Today texting makes it is easier, but there’s still push back against the pull. Growing up the issues are bigger. Guys try to project a confidence and control when in fact they feel nothing but insecurity. Is the relationship as consensual as it appeared?  The risk of some creepy crawly incurable infection?  Nevertheless, the guys “attraction obsession” continues undiminished. Women face as many or more unwelcome issues but they still keep hoping. Scholars have studied the subject forever but how did sex start?

Spawning salmon or pollinating bees and flowers, they don’t make it so difficult, nor do they become embroiled in heart rending complexities we humans create. When Mr. Mushrooms and Miss Mushroom are thinking about their future together and having little schrooms,  do they don’t worry what the in-laws will think?  Mountain goat males ram heads in order to get the prize female, just like male football players ram heads; and birds primp and preen just like human girls at the vanity mirror. So there are similarities, but the wildlife guys and gals mate without litigation or screwing up their lives with “he said she said” rancor.

Looking way back, it wasn’t this difficult. We human life forms must have taken a wrong turn somewhere along the evolution road.

When, in the history of our planet’s biology did males and females first start coming together? When did all those single cell life forms, who were quite happy with their chaste, celibate lives, abandon self-dividing in exchange for sex? What led them down the path of wanton lust and start swapping DNA? What were those first two thinking? What did they say to each other? How’d they get that idea without a serpent from the Garden of Eden, romance novels or magazines to guide them?  Inquiring minds want to know. If I felt conflicted about my first date and feared rejection, what were they thinking? When did the first male life form impregnate the first female?

It’s been so long ago that the archives are incomplete. The documentation of the original sex act is not well recorded.

Mother Nature probably blushed and covered up the early evidence of hanky-panky because she was too embarrassed. Nevertheless,  without any pay-per-view video or even good records of that first X rated event, scientific minds have been curious. They’ve produced some conclusions.

According to one theory, sexual reproduction all began in the year one billion two hundred million BC. You can imagine the scene: It was late one romantic evening with tropical breezes under a full moon, – I’m just theorizing about the time and phase of the moon, but it did happen at that time, give or take a million years.

On the night in question there was one little cell, let’s call her Yvette. It would have been so sweet if it had been an evening of amorous flirting and seduction. But alas, Yvette did not play hard to get: She simply ate Harry, her smaller one cell neighbor. While she gobbled him up, she did not fully digest Harry. Harry’s DNA remained within her and somehow combined with her own genes.

I apologize to you Alpha male readers, because Yvette was not the supportive submissive girl you would prefer. Nevertheless, this is what science tells us and it’s not always pretty.

Others may visualize the scene as looking less like a romantic courtship and more like cannibalism. Technically you are right. Among humans today, eating one’s mate is frowned upon. But remember, back then the laws against eating each other were frequently flouted. Doubtless, there were other single cell members of Yvette’s social circle who said “Tut Tut”. You who are law and order types may say “Tut tut” as well. But you should still have pity and forgive poor little Yvette.

What’s one small legal indiscretion compared to the advantages that Yvette bestowed on all her descendants, including you and me who followed? The incalculable evolutionary benefits when DNA combines during reproduction is good for all of us. Our disease resistance improves, and we can eliminate gene damage. Further, evolution, adaptation, and progress moves faster. Just compare us with those chaste, celibate but emotionally stunted single cell dividers. We’re miles ahead of them and we owe it all to Yvette and Harry.

Since we are thanking our two progenitors, I should mention that they also are responsible for euphoric romance and all that comes with it. Of course, cells back then couldn’t debate appropriate behavior and indiscretions because they didn’t think.

Looking at today’s headlines you conclude we have not progressed that much. Some of us don’t think much about what’s acceptable sex in our own behavior today.

couple-love-bedroom-kissing (1)

 

Categories: Provocative Humor

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