ANGRY WOODWINDS SHOULD RULE

 RULE? HELL, WE SHOULD TAKE OVER THE WORLD

0302 - Henderson

I’m pissed. The fawning public adulation bestowed on string players, the plethora of composers writing string quartets and  concertos is too damn much! They ignore wind and brass music and it makes me sick. It’s not that cellists and fiddle players are despicable or morally challenged,- but why should those prima donnas sit in the front rows of every orchestra? How did they get so big that they dominate both orchestras as well as chamber music? One more string quartet and I’m going to puke.

Orchestras employ more string players than all other instruments combined. Why? As a result music schools recruit more and more of them till they flood the music scene. Why the disparity?

Why must we, the proud,  the noble, the few wind players, sit in the back of the orchestra unseen, scratching and pecking for any leftover jobs? It’s not rational or fair. It’s simply wrong and we shouldn’t take it anymore!

Be honest now guys: String players are just not that wonderful. When you take the hairs out of a horses tail, drag them across the little strings, look what happens? Whoopy- You get vibration. The little thread vibrates left… then it goes right. Then repeats. No matter which of their instruments, you simply get the same ad nauseam scratching sound. From violin to double base, where is the variety? Stringy guys are all in the same standardized, gated sound community. They are producing  homogeneous and uniform sounds.

Winds, by contrast, are a rainbow of diversity in tones. Single reed clarinet sounds lively and chirpy. The double reed oboes sound haunting while the flutes with no reeds make a mellow tootle. Woodwind quintets welcome brass French as well as wooden English horns. We are the soul of diversity and color in the concert hall. “Stringy guys” just bring their wagging strings.

Somehow this elite gang of string musicians making carbon copy note tones, slipped into the premier orchestra seats while the rest of us sit unseen relegated to the back of the symphony bus.

A revolution is long overdue and wind players should unite and lead.

Categories: Humor

3 replies

  1. True, but consider the poor percussion section. Now I would like to hear a Tympani Trio, or perhaps a the incredible variety a bevy of triangle players could bring to the mix. The mind boggles. And the poor Harpist….all alone, with a huge instrument a person can hardly hear over the screeching of the rest of the strings. “Taint fair!

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