BUSTED IN PROVINCETOWN

Octogenarian vice ring smashed by iPhone shutdown error

Last night the Provincetown police pounded on our hotel room door.

This is never encouraging.

Police officers rarely arrive at your room carrying complimentary chocolates or tickets to the Policemen’s Ball. They had that tense, suspicious look suggesting they expected either domestic violence, narcotics trafficking, or at minimum an elderly crime spree involving stolen orthopedic footwear.

The problem?

On my wife’s cell phone, I accidentally called 911 while trying to shut off her cell

Apparently, modern smartphones are engineered by sadists.

If you press the volume button and the side button simultaneously for four seconds, the phone powers down. But if you hesitate, repeat the maneuver, jab randomly like a chimpanzee defusing a bomb, or otherwise display the technical competence common to octogenarians, the phone instead concludes:

“THIS HOUSEHOLD IS UNDER ATTACK. SEND SWAT IMMEDIATELY.”

Because my wife’s Parkinson’s disease causes a pronounced forward tilt to her head, Officer Number One instantly shifted into Domestic Violence Investigator Mode.

“What happened to your neck?” he snapped.

Not an encouraging opening question.

Meanwhile, I stood there in striped pajamas looking exactly like a retired jewel thief from a 1947 prison movie. The officer demanded photo identification and followed me into the bedroom while I rummaged through my pants pockets for my wallet.

At the time, I thought he distrusted me.

Later, I realized he was tactically separating me from my wife so Officer Number Two could interrogate her privately and determine whether I was some sort of elderly homicidal maniac.

I explained that in 61 years of marriage, we had accumulated no history of violence, mayhem, assault, or blunt-force trauma.

His response alarmed me even more.

“What? You two are married?”

The astonishment in his voice suggested he assumed we’d met three hours earlier in a waterfront tequila bar and were now engaged in reckless late-life debauchery.

That is a harsh judgment for two people old enough to remember ration books.

Frankly, the story might have been even better had they handcuffed us and hauled us off to separate holding cells.

Picture the headlines:

“Dangerous Senior Couple Arrested in Provincetown Disturbance.”
“Police Seize Contraband Blood Pressure Medication.”
“Suspects Considered Armed With Nail Clippers.”

But no such luck.

The officers finally concluded that we were merely harmless old tourists being outsmarted by consumer electronics. They relaxed, wished us well, and departed peacefully into the night.

So what wisdom can humanity derive from this terrifying incident?

Three lessons from our brush with the law:

1. When shutting off your cellphone, do not repeatedly mash buttons like a casino addict attacking a slot machine.
2. If you are planning a scandalous evening of sin and debauchery, Provincetown remains an excellent venue. The Puritans left centuries ago. What remains is a civilized, witty, artistic community with exceptional restaurants, stylish architecture, and citizens dressed far better than I was in my prison-striped pajamas.
3. Visit in the off-season. The ferry is calmer, the restaurants are delighted to see you, hotel rates are kinder, and strangers on the street actually smile at you instead of walking into you while studying their phones.

And finally, one sobering thought:

At our age, merely trying to turn off the lights can become a police matter.